explaining what your life's about to strangers at parties: Numero Dos

If you just don't want to talk or think about your life for one night only, try these out instead:


OPTION 8: Make an unexpected reveal that appears not to suit your image.

'So - what do you do?'

'Table dancer.'


OPTION 9: GET CREEPY.

'So - what do you do?'

'I waste my life on Facebook staring at people I don't know who are friends of friends. What's YOUR name? I'll look you up tomorrow while I'm throwing up in my underwear. Hey - I love your eyes! What, are they like' [lean in too close] 'like azure/sky or something. Like rainbows.'


OPTION 10: In a non-creepy way suggest that you might slip off for some casual sex that in no way requires conversation or life back-story.

'So - what do you do?'

[Move swiftly and conspiratorially in closer] 'D'you wanna get outta here? I got half a gram in my pocket and everyone here is boring the hell out of me - you look pretty fun though.' [Nod your head seductively towards the door.] 'C'mon.'

Win.


OPTION 11: Appear to have too many Doritos in your mouth to talk coherently.

'So - what do you do?'

'I just [stuff some in as if you didn't notice this person right next to you] 'just - MUH - so good - HMM HMM - so nice - HMM HMM - to have dips - HMM MUH HMM - parties these days - sorry - mouth's - full - HMM.'


OPTION 12 (this is a genuinely viable option): Answer in a dull way and move onto an interesting topic you can bond over.

'So - what do you do?'

'Like - something in an office or whatever. There are computers. I think maybe I'm selling something. HEY - did you see X Factor on Saturday?'


OPTION 13: Talk REALLY LOUDLY so as to embarrass them away. (WARNING - this may ruin the entire party for you and several others. But at least you won't have to explain your life away to some stranger, right? I'll let you be the judge of No. 13s propriety.).

'So - what do you do?'

'I'M AN ELECTRICIAN!!!!'


OPTION 14: Get them to go away and stop hastling you with irritating questions by doing this.

The awkwardness continues...

explaining what your life's about to strangers at parties: Part 1

'So - what do you do?'

A friend once gave me some advice when I nervously mentioned I was going for a job interview later that day:

'Henry, don't speak. If you do have to speak, don't use your real voice. And whatever you do, don't be yourself.'

Sometimes, when confronted by a barrage of tipsy young professionals, this advice seems like much more than just irony. So here are some options, should you find yourself hopelessly searching for a phrase to sum up your life in a brief, conversational manner that won't lead to a series of funny looks and awkward silences:


OPTION 1: Lie.

'Hi. Nice to meet you. What's you're name? What do you do, then?'

'My name's Henry. I'm a super successful investment banker. No - not one one those ones that fucked you all in the arse! I'm too young to be held responsible for that. I do, however, own a Porsche. So what do YOU do??'


OPTION 2: Exaggerate.

'So - what do you do?'

'I'm a writer.'

'Oh yes - that sounds interesting.'

'Well - I've recently had my first novel short-listed for the Man-Booker Prize.'

(Maybe that's a bit too much exaggeration/ lying again.)

Maybe this instead:

'I'm a writer. It's slow work to begin with - making a name for yourself, networking, contacts, all that stuff - but it's what I love and it's gradually picking up. I've got a few exciting projects lined up.'


OPTION 3: Tell the truth.

'So - what do you do?'

'I've had to move back in with my parents because I couldn't make up my mind what to do with my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm floating in a dark and indefinite world. I'm trying to be a writer but I can't support myself on it and, to be honest, I don't know if I'm even any good. I don't really know what my life's about, really.'

AWKWARD SILENCE


OPTION 4: Deflect attention away with a joke.

'So - what do you do?'

'Oh nothing really. I'm terribly dull! Goodness - have you seen that girl in the corner? She's a frightful state! She looks like Big Bird after a ketamine binge! What did you say you did??'


OPTION 5: Suddenly appear very busy and important.

'So - what do you do?'

'Oh - hang on a second - is that Margot and Jeremy! MARGOT! JEREMY! I haven't seen you two for ages! Last time was that weekend on the Riviera, wasn't it? Just after we'd clinched the Marcony Deal. Sorry - just going to say hi. Back in a sec!'


OPTION 6: Appear as if you've drunk too much and make a dash for the loo, then the front door.

'So - what do you do?'

'I think I'm gonna be sick. S'cuse me.'


OPTION 7: Engage them in some philosophical debate too broad to include your life's specifics.

'So - what do you do?'

'Oh - what do any of us do really? Wander across the face of the Earth in search of something to give us meaning. You know, Sartre said we had to find our own meaning. Isn't that interesting? Life's really like that, isn't it?'

They'll like it because it makes them feel clever. And BOOM! personal crisis averted.


Now, if only I got invited to more parties...