My whole life feels like it has been upside down for a while now. I feel like I don't quite know what is really real or where to attribute meaning. You met me at a strange time in my life. I guess we all go through these periods. It's like a rebirth is imminent. Man, I hope a rebirth is imminent.
In my head I walk around with different people I've met through my life. I walk around mostly made up variants of places we went together, or said we'd go. We hold hands, or don't, depending on the situation. I kiss this guy I once liked. I look at my father as he eats fish and chips on an invented pier. I try to look into the future and imagine something stable. I try to make myself into a medium for my life. I guess when things are shaken up it takes a while to settle again.
The weird thing with social media is you never know who's reading what you've written. Who are you, invisible eyes? Are you sympathetic? Do you think I'm being self indulgent? Did you just read the first sentence of this post and then click on a favourite bookmark for something more entertaining? Thanks if you're still here.
If you want some further reading, I suggest THIS ARTICLE by Gaby Dunn on Thought Catalogue about permanence.
How do we attribute value and truth? When shit hits our faces, what do we do? When you lose who you are, how do you re-find yourself?
One really good thing we can do, is to listen to the stuff other people have to say. Not just any people, we have to be selective. Lots of people say stuff that you don't care about, and that don't care about you. Things are hard. Knowing what's right for you is hard. Keep experimenting until you work out what it is that's right for you. I have a feeling this might take your whole lifetime, but a lot of it I reckon you already know, without admitting it to yourself. Everything was a discovery once, so keep discovering. Fortunately you can be a medium for your life as well as a bookkeeper. It's good to keep records, but not to live between shelves of them stacked high in the library.
Other than experiencing things first hand, the profoundest truths I've learnt are from literature. A pretentious, true sentence. Things I didn't realise I'd thought or felt are more often than not outlined by someone with a much better grasp of sense and language than your re-running memory.
Am I over-sharing?
Yes, I think I am.
I don't know what you'll do with this. I suppose I don't mind. If it made you feel, that's the important thing. If it made you think, I guess that's good too. What things tumble out of an upside down brain?
Who the hell knows.
The important thing is where they land and what they do when they get there.
And maybe this will help along the way: